I'm real depressed. By this years end I still haven't made that transition from lonely & isolated to having at least one friend. And it sucks. I'm running into so many barriers. I am in therapy I just moved into a new location, a better one. I have a nice apartment too. It is real hard. So many barriers and I don't know what to do. I'm in Tae Kwon Do but its a small school and honestly, I'm just looking to train there not make any social connections. I tried that at the first Tae Kwon Do school which for me was disasatrous cause I was completely invisible to alot of those students there. In fact it was alot like being back in high school for me and high school was hell for me.
I am looking into volunteering thats difficult too cause I've volunteered for 3 different organizations.
One was an Aids hospice in Seattle called Bailey Boushay a volunteer position that I liked very much.
At Bailey Boushay I volunteered in the client day program. I think that was what it was called.
It was for adults with HIV & other illnesses. The client day program was held at the Bailey Boushay recreation room which held a big screen tv,tables & chairs,board games,books.
Also there was a soda fountain station for Coke,diet coke amoung other sodas.
What I did was keep the people company by sitting down to chat with them, I also wiped down tables,swept the floor.
Lunch was provided and I also took the lunch orders by taking down what they wanted to eat then going to the kitchen and giving their orders to the cook.
I also served lunches to the day clients by taking their lunches out to them. I worked with other volunteers as well. Like I said I really liked that volunteer gig.
Here is what happened with the gig.
Over the few months that I volunteered there was this one guy a real big dude extremely hostile.
He was built like a football linebacker.
He was extremely hostile towards me.
By hostile I mean he would call me names, and not nice ones either.
When I tried to take his lunch order he would snatch the order pad out of my hands & then stalk off without another word.
This kept up for the several weeks that I was there.
Then one day, I was in the hall with one of the supervisors who worked under the volunteer coordinator we had been talking.
Then hostile linebacker guy walked by us and he called me a name.
I then turned to the lady that I was talking to and said "Whats up with him"?
The mean linebacker guy turned around and stalked up to me within inches of my face and said something. What he said I don't remember but I sure remember his stare.
His stare was one of the most coldest & deadliest that I have ever seen from anyone in my life! And I grew up with a sociopathic stepfather who got his jollies by beating my Mother so I know.
This guy beat out the sociopathic Stepfather for intimidating cold stare downs.
I stood my ground and said something back, what that was I don't remember.
No one intervened.
And I don't know which one of us had backed down first. But what I do remember was that I had had enough and I stood up for myself.
Not long after that after talking with the head volunteer coordinator who chose to downplay the whole incident and basically did nothing about it, I then decided to call the whole thing quits.
It was hard. But I don't like it when I'm not treated with respect and I was so totally disrespected.
Unfortunately I have experianced obvious discrimination with my other two volunteer assignments.
Where I would be ignored,treated less than. It's unfair but its happened to me.
When I volunteered for Stand Up For Kids I thought now this is THE volunteer assignment for me.
I wanted to give and all that.
However the problem lay with the other female volunteer who had all the class of a street whore.
Why? She had the mouth of a street whore.
No class.
When she gave the finger to the groups lead volunteer organizer who had been with Stand up for kids for many years over the fact he said to her that she forgot to bring dog food for the street kids dogs (many street kids have pets) I knew that it was time for me to move on.
The surprising thing is no one else in the group of volunteers seemed to think that nothing was wrong. Everyone had thought that that was funny.
Everyone except me.
So, I seem to be hitting a wall with volunteering. but I need to keep on trying.
I applied with volunteering for PAWS which is with animals. It's an animal shelter I applied online to walk dogs.
The volunteer orientation is in December.
I'm really trying however I am hitting many bumps in the road. Several bumps.
Mostly what I believe is the problem is the majority of people already have families , or significant others so there is no room for another possible friend.
I'm just picking the wrong people I guess.
It's real difficult to find quality friends.
Add to that I am a woman of color and that makes it difficult because alot of people have negative stereotypes especially for African Americans. African Americans are not liked real well in the world and I don't care what some folks say on the outside thats one thing. Cause no one wants to be labeled as racist or bigoted.
And as for me I don't look at race I look at qualities & characteristics of a person not their color.
But thats me.
Unfortunately not alot of people especially here in Washington state subscribe to the color blind notion.
I'm going to be blunt, I am having the most difficult time right now.
And the difficulty has been going on for several years. It's led to near suicide attempts in the past which is why I am in therapy. Except from my Mother who is elderly the support I receive now or have received is slim to none!!!
One hurdle after another after another.
My Father dies in 2007 but there has been barriers & difficulty long before that.
Which is why I am typing this blog at almost 2AM on a Sunday morning.
The depression is insurmountable! I'm in alot of pain.
So anyone who reads this blog, I'm reaching out please reach back to me.
I'm not expecting anything or holding my breath on that however.
I'm a female,real attractive,intelligent , real nice. I want female friends.
Nice female friends.
I am also gay and I enjoy the company of women ages 18-30's.
Now a word of warning do not disrespect me or the blog I've written.
I will not tolerate any disrespect towards myself.
When responding please be nice just remember what if this were your lover,friend,sister etc.
I deserve nothing less than love and respect.
I mean you wouldn't kick a woman when she is down would you?
Apparently just about everyone else has.
Wish me luck better yet get in contact with me, I would like that even better.
Because I am in alot of pain & I'm struggling.
this is Val signing out.
Look for more blogs from me.
